Be Specific and You May Get a Trip to Paris

Yasmin King Square

For the last 20 years or so I have been married to my husband Alastair. Every year he will ask, "Yas, what would you like for your birthday?"

Every year, not wanting to be too demanding and in hoping he will pass my "test" of working out what it is that I really want. My response is about the same, "I really don't mind" or "something small" or "whatever you think I need". You get the picture.

Well every year he gives me a present, and every year, quite frankly, I am disappointed. I try not to show it, but the problem is that every year he interprets my response on what I would like based on his perception of what I would like. The gifts are always practical (what else would you expect from an engineer?). The highlight (or lowlight) being the cordless drill with accessories, which apparently represented an outstanding opportunity for me to learn new skills!

So when a significant birthday was approaching last year, Alastair again asked me what I wanted for my birthday. Frightened at the prospect of a circular saw to go with the cordless drill, I decided to try a different approach: Using one of the Scotwork ARGUE step skills, I decided to give "BE SPECIFIC!" a go. Instead of "I don't mind, whatever you think I need....", my answer to the dreaded question went something like this:

"I would like to spend my birthday at Café de Flore in Paris, just the two of us".

Now, if for whatever reason Alastair hadn't been able to respond to my specific request like we do not enough frequent flyer points, not able to take the time off work, etc. I had at the very least structured his expectations of the kind of thing I was expecting. Fortunately for me, I did indeed spend my birthday at Café de Flore and was even more surprised when Alastair told me how relieved he had been that I had told him exactly what I wanted.

Good negotiators use an effective ARGUE step in negotiations - asking good questions and listening effectively. Often, some fall down when they are not being specific when it comes down to what they want.

To be specific, you have to spend time preparing your thoughts on what exactly it is you want. It needs to be quantifiable, measurable, specific - not expressed as simply better, more, fairer. You need to be able to nail down what it is you want, and then ask for it! Simple really, but often not practiced.

A team I was working with recently was led by a very bright woman. During the negotiation she focused so much on quality in her discussions with the suppliers. So the suppliers thought that quality was the most important issue for her to the exclusion of all else. During the debrief, I asked her why she had focused on quality without reference to anything else. She indicated it was because she wanted the suppliers to understand that her team wanted the best possible price, but not at the expense of quality. My obvious response, was so why didn't you simply say that? She felt it was too direct or may have been interpreted as too aggressive, and she assumed they would understand what it is that she wanted...

Being specific is not about being too direct or aggressive; it's simply being clear on what you want. Don't leave the other side guessing what you want. You will get more of what you want and save time getting it. You'll appreciate the results and both parties will appreciate the process more. Life is too short to force people to guess.

Try it out - who knows, you too might be having dinner in Paris soon.

Yasmin King

Scotwork Australia

Want to get more of what you want? Book on to the Scotwork Advanced Negotiation Skills course.