Dealing with Difficult People
One of the questions we often get
asked is "How do I negotiate when the other side are aggressive,
rude or just nasty?" We have 4 key tips that will help when the
going gets tough.
First things first. Do not get
sucked in. The basic ruling emotions of love, hate, fear, lust, and
contentment originate in the most basic part of our brain. We
humans have 3 layers of brain, the brain stem, limbic and neuro
cortex. When we are threatened, frightened, lied to, insulted,
cheated or treated badly, the core brain stem, often referred to as
the reptilian brain kicks in.
Once this has happened we lose
control of our emotions and sense of perspective, we dig in, fight
back, raising the temperature even further, and the negotiation
spirals out of control. Or even worse we retreat into our shells
and run from the problem, simply giving in. The fundamental fight
or flight mechanism.
So how do we manage the situation
when put under reptilian pressure?
1) Recognise the
Behaviour
First question to ask yourself; 'is
it a ploy or is it natural behavior?' The answer to this may also
depend on whether you are negotiating in a 'contract' or
'relationship' situation. If the other side is trying to rile you
so you feel uncomfortable and may give in more readily, understand
what they are doing. If you react to provocation it is likely to
encourage more of the same from your adversary. Stay calm, engage
your higher brain systems. Let them go through their rant. Stay
quiet and do not engage. Once they have finished, summarise their
key concerns to show you have been listening and making notes,
maybe ask them to go through their concerns again. Be professional.
It is very difficult for someone to maintain an aggressive stance
for long, particularly if you are being calm in response. Resist
the temptation to score points. Fighting back will not in our
experience advance your immediate interests and may damage the long
term relationship. Moreover if you are dealing with people who use
this tactic they may be used to using it and be good at it. Better
to reframe the negotiation on terms you find more amenable.
2) Negotiation is a Trading
Process
If you do need to make a movement
make sure it is conditional on them moving too. Of course you will
have to make concessions if you are negotiating, but make sure that
any movement you make is only achieved if they do something for you
too. And get the language right. Put any conditions that you have
on making movement clear, specific and up front before making any
offers. It is important to make sure that your conditions and
offers are realistic. Unrealistic, barking mad proposals that work
for you and not them will cause even greater aggressive behaviour.
Emphasise that the concession offered is because of the logic or
content of their argument, not the tone or manner of its' delivery.
This will help highlight the fact that you have observed, assessed
and not been influenced by the adversarial manner.
3) Buy time to
think
In the traffic of a hard and
aggressive negotiation it can be incredibly difficult to maintain
calm and control. You need to create time to think rationally and
decide whether you can negotiate, where your flexibility can be,
and importantly what you can trade in return. If you are
negotiating in a team use the other players in the team to buy time
by asking them to summarise the position the negotiation has
reached. Plan to take breaks in large and difficult negotiations to
consider your strategy and clarify objectives.Time out can help you
focus on what you want and need and take some heat out of difficult
negotiations.
4) Do not, and I mean DO
NOT, just give in
Giving in is the worst thing you
can do, 'cause guess what will happen next time? Sometimes the
pressure will be on you and you will be made to feel responsible
for delaying or deadlocking a deal, so the temptation is to just
say "yes". But wake up the next morning and you'll discover no. You
then have to live with a deal that you should never have agreed to,
and the next negotiation will be more of the same. So buy time.
Take a break, meet and discuss strategy for dealing with this
behavior with your colleagues. But don't surrender. If we give
in we reward the bad aggressive behaviour, and by doing so we teach
the other side that treating us badly gets results. If it works
they will keep doing it. In fact many aggressive and unpleasant
negotiators got that way by winning concessions after whipping the
other side into submission, by (in corporate speak) taking all the
skin in the game. So stay in control.
Negotiations are a part of our
everyday life, we all negotiate pretty much all of the time. Coming
across a difficult and aggressive negotiator is not that unusual,
they are everywhere. Such people believe negotiation is about
conflict and often use war terminology. Remember Sun Tzu in
The Art of War; 'the supreme art of war is to defeat the enemy
without fighting'. Engage your higher level thinking systems and
stay in control, keep asking questions and explore ways of coming
up with solutions that you can both live with. Losing your control
will make you appear unprofessional, giving in will be seen as
weak.
Master the three Cs; control,
creativity and cool - they will see you through.
Allan Smith
Click, to read more negotiation tips or find out about our
consulting team,
the negotiation services we offer,
and our results.
Copyright Scotwork Negotiating
Skills 2011
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Email info.au@scotwork.com
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